Eiri Yuki: The Penguin Slayer
by Elizabeth Whittaker
Summary: Summary: Eiri has been up for three days with only beer and his medicine as his source of caffeine. But when he runs out of it, things start to seriously wrong. ONE SHOT unless specified otherwise.


Special thanks go to **Angeloflight** for beta reading. We had an idea for _Requiem of Ice and Love_, and unfortunately, I couldn't get past the car scene in it. So to stop the scene from being silly, a story has been dedicated to the penguins.

And now that this is out of the way, perhaps I can work on Requiem again.

Gravitaton © Maki Murakami. Beer companies such as Coors Light, Amstel Light, Michelob and Budweiser © their companies. (We all know Eiri drinks Budweiser anyway :p)

----

The sound of fingers hitting keys rang throughout the apartment as it had for the last 72 hours. Eiri had been struck by sudden inspiration around 1 AM three days ago and had locked himself in his office ever since. His fingers moved quickly over the keys, only mistyping every 5th line, a fact that he was rather proud of considering how long it had been since he rested.

He had been trying to finish this manuscript up so that his editor would not be screaming at him on his answering machine anymore. The sound of her voice grated his restless self and they reminded him of why he was working as he blinked sleepily. Still, the novelist would press on.

Looking beside him, he realized that his can of Budweiser was empty and sighed. "Just as I was on a roll," he muttered and threw the can in the trash bin beside him . . . where numerous other cans were. He looked over his work, saved it (because Shuichi would try to look at it and reboot his computer) and then went out the door of the office into the kitchen.

"Hehe . . . " The sound of hushed laughter rang loudly in the too quiet apartment.

"What the fuck?" Eiri muttered, glancing around with a careful eye. "You damn brat . . . if you're trying to be cute by sneaking up on me, I'll kick your ass out for a week".

No response.

Shrugging, he continued on his way to the fridge to retrieve his prize and head back to his life's work, intent on finishing it within the day so he could have some well deserved sleep Opening the beer, Eiri took a long gulp as he chucked some of it down. He decided that he would have to savor the moment, as that was the last beer in the refrigerator and it was almost 10 at night.

If he had thought about it, he had Shuichi's cell phone. The boy could get him some . . . and then he remembered he had no ID. _What's the point in being famous if you can't even get beer?_ Eiri wondered as he sat back down in the chair and looked over his writing.

_"Tehehe, Eiriiiiii . . . "_

There was that voice again. Eiri's head snapped up as he looked around room to figure out who the owner of the voice belonged to. Then he went back to sipping quietly on the beer, trying to enjoy the scant moments of his break.

_"Come play with us Eiri-kun, you know you want to..."_

What the fuck was going on? Glancing at his beer, Eiri started to wonder if maybe he had had one beer too many.

"Fuck that, I've had more then this and never had a problem. Great now I'm talking to myself. Focus Eiri." And with those words of encouragement from his Ego, the writer continued with his corrections.

_"But you know you want to play . . . teehee."_

Eiri stopped and whipped his head around, trying to catch whoever it was in the act. "If this is some sick joke, I'm going to murder whoever the hell is doing it!"

Again . . . no response.

After a final glance around the room, he continued where he left off, albeit more apprehensive then before.

_"Come play with us, Eiri..."_

He looked around, nervous now. Eiri cradled the beer as if it was his lifeline and screamed. "YOU DAMN BRAT! Stop it and tell me what you want!"

_We are the Penguins of Nii...and we want...your soul."_

Eiri stopped dead in his panic at that one sentence. Penguins.. of Nii? Penguins.. that wanted to steal his soul, it sounded like a screwed up manga series Shuichi would read. _Ok, that's it. I'm burning his Manga collection. His whining be damned._

_"Play with us...preciousssss."_

"Goddamnit! Shut the fuck up! Go find Shuichi, he'd love to play with you!" Great, he had resorted himself to answering imaginary Penguins of Nii. What was the world coming to?

_"But Shuichi isn't here. We took him . . . and we're going to give him a dress, and some ponytails and make more clothes for Tohma."_

That stopped the writer in his tracks. Did they just say that they took Shuichi? And that they were the ones responsible for Tohma's god awful pimp sense of fashion? Why those little bastards- wait, what the hell was he thinking? _They aren't real Eiri, it's all in your head. Ignore it and it will go away. _

_"WE ARE REAL. We will take your soul."_

"Yea, and chickens fly," Eiri muttered, wanting them to shut up.

As soon as the words left his mouth, he was immediately reprimanding himself. _Answering them is not ignoring them! Write your story! Write. Your. Story! _

A chuckle came from the room and Eiri tried to write once more. The beer can rattled. Rain hit the windows.

_"Eiri-kun, come play with us, don't you want to see what we've done to your cute little fluffball of love? He misses you Eiri-kun, he's crying for you now." _

"Goddamn it, this is all in my head," Eiri muttered as he slammed on the keyboard, typing. But he wrote "The penguins have my soul" and screamed.

In a flash he was up out of his chair and stepping away from the laptop as if it were going to bite him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flutter of movement and whipped around in that direction. Nothing. Just shadows on the wall from the lightning flashing outside.

Eiri really was becoming paranoid as his eyes flickered to each individual thing in the room. His laptop, which had his precious manuscript and the hideous words at the end. The table, which remained still with his belongings. The chair, which left an indentation in the cushion of his ass. _Many fans would pay for that_, he thought as he scanned the rest of the room. The radio was silent; nothing was on.

Thunder rattled outside as the lightning struck and the lights were flickering as the electricity suddenly went out . . . and everything was silent.

_"Come and play, Eiri Yuki . . . come play with us . . . "_

This was ridiculous. He was a grown man. He was a cold evil bastard. **He was Eiri Yuki, for god's sake.** _Get a hold of yourself! You're going to pee your pants if you don't calm down. This is all just from lack of sleep, now, go find some candles and don't think about it._ And with those words of wisdom, Eiri Yuki, plunged on in the darkness to find the highly coveted candles and matches.

Something was in his way and he stumbled and fell. Something brushed his cheek, then his shoulder. Eiri screamed and pushed at air, finding nothing holding him down.

Immediately jumping to his feet and taking 4 steps back, he spun on his heel to survey his surroundings. Nothing. Just darkness and the occasional flash of light from the storm outside. Taking a deep breath, the writer made his way into the kitchen, pulling his lighter out of his pocket and felt around for the candles. Just when he was about to start cursing in every language he could think of, his hand rested on the wax stick, flicking open his lighter, he came face to face with a purple, slightly demented looking Penguin.

"..." He just stared. He was seeing a goddamn penguin.

And it wasn't just any penguin. It was a purple penguin. In a top hat. With a cane. _Well shit,_ Eiri thought, slightly amused with what his imagination was coming up with, _it's a penguin pimp._

"...you've got to be kidding me, Tohma. How the fuck did you turn into a midget?" He wanted to strangle Seguchi. _Only he could come up with something so devious,_ Eiri thought. _Not even that damn brat would pull something like this off._

The penguin version of Tohma Seguchi merely started laughing. "Tehehe." There was that annoying laughter. And it sounded exactly like Tohma. "I'm not Tohma, though I do know him. Very good friend; handed me your little Shu-chan. He shall become one of us now, just as you will be."

Eiri threw the candlestick at him, thanking whatever upstairs that it was not lit. He tried to hit it in the head.

The penguin merely stared at the candle as it bounced off the counter and fell to the floor.

"Well, that was pointless. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Tohma, you fucking midget man, I'm going to kick your ass! I want some beer and some smokes now!"

"I told you before, I'm not Tohma... come to me, Eiri-kun, join us... Shuichi misses you." The Penguin Leader as he advanced towards the novelist with each word.

"Get the fuck away from me!" Eiri screamed. He ran for the door. The novelist would get his own damn beer. He had enough of this shit. He just wanted whoever was playing this cruel trick to go away. He had enough penguins . . . had enough of the insanity that his late night binges could cause.

Just as he slid around the corner and saw salvation in sight, it was cruelly snatched away from him as the room was illuminated by a flash of lightning... revealing dozens of oddly colored penguins dressed as pimps. All in the same attire as their leader, except in different colors. The one that scared him the most was one that had a rainbow color pimp hat and a trenchcoat with rainbows on it.

"Noooooo! They're not fucking real!" Eiri pulled at some of his hair and found he probably was surrounded.

"Of course we're real, Eiri-kun." The Penguin Leader seemed to be enjoying his utter horror, for its tone was mocking and amused.

"What the hell do you want from me?"

"Your soul... Join us Eiri, with you we can take over the world! Muwahhaha! Just think of it, power beyond imagine, the ability to get rid of Tohma, Mika and your father for good!"

_Actually... that doesn't sound so bad. Wait a minute!_ Eiri screamed at himself and shook his head. _These penguins are out to steal my soul! They're responsible for Tohma's fashion sense. They took Shuichi!_

"You have the **worst** fashion sense ever. You took the fluffball. You're responsible for Tohma looking like a fag!"

"That's right Eiri-kun, we have your precious Shuichi, hehehe . . . he shall become one of us!"

-----

"NOOOOOO!"

The novelist snapped awake from his own scream of terror, glancing with unfocused eyes at the laptop screen in front of him and the line of gibberish left by his face leaning against the keyboard. Wait a second, it was a dream, it was all some big, horrible dream. Filled with such relief, he almost felt boneless. Eiri shot out of his seat and ran down the hall to make sure that this was in fact reality.

In his run, he had ran into the kitchen to check his sacred beer stash, and to his dismay, still found only one beer. The man sighed in relief and as he was opening it, he remembered not to open it, because that was when he had the penguin pimp from hell come after him. The man's golden eyes glanced to the doorway and he threw the beer back in as if he had just burned himself, holding his hand as he did so. "...but that's the last one...maybe it's time for another brand."

Eiri had nodded firmly as he made his decision that maybe Coors Light was the way to go and then remembered the horrible taste that left in his mouth. Amstel Light? Michelob? Yeah, Michelob sounded okay, but pricey.

The sound of the door unlocking snapped him out of his mental calculations and he tensed, watching and waiting to see what would walk through that door.

_Calm down, it was just a dream. God, I should just call the men in white myself and have them take me away._

Eiri had rooted through the kitchen and grabbed a frying pan so that he could be ready if another penguin came through the door. The hell if he was being taken and being dressed . . . like his brother in law. As he reached for it, the man shook his head. . . . _I have went insane. I really need a beer . . . _

The blonde was torn between reaching for the refrigerator and grabbing the beer or going for his weapon of choice as the door locked clicked. Finally deciding on something, he grabbed both, threw the beer can up in the air (because it was insanity beer, remember) and used the frying pan as a baseball and hit it toward the door that was opening. SMACK! The sound of metal hitting skin rang through the room along with a cry of pain and a curse. Then a thud on the floor.

_Huh, guess baseball can be my fall back career._

"Goddamnit! Bro, what the fuck are you doing using beer cans as baseballs! Full beer cans!"

That was not the voice he expected to hear. Lowering his lethal weapon, the Penguin Slayer, formally known as Eiri Yuki glanced at the poor soul who happened to get in his way, which turned out to be his younger brother, Tatsuha. In a way, he should have been ashamed, but on the other hand, Eiri felt rather proud that he could aim so . . . perfectly. And while Tatsuha Uesugi was rubbing the bruise on his shoulder, the other said, " . . . I'm pretty sure they sent you to kidnap me since I can't hit the fuckers."

"Bro, what the fuck are you talking about! I didn't come here to kidnap you! I came for Shuichi!"

Oh, wrong choice of words. Very wrong. This fueled Eiri's resolve as he grabbed Tatsuha and pinned him against the wall.

"Where the fuck is he? What have you done to him? if he's dressed like Tohma i swear to god I'll-" He released him and then went over to raise the frying pan to use as a baseball bat again.

"Eiri, no, put the frying pan down!"

Smack! The frying pan connected with the floor just as the younger Uesugi rolled out of the way and scrambled across the room for his life.

"Tell me where Shuichi is," Eiri growled as he ran after Tatsuha with the frying pan. "Or else I burn all your videos of Ryuichi!"

"Bro! No! Please! Anything but that! I don't know where he is! I came to see him!" Tatsuha ran frantically in a circle around the apartment, dodging the frying pan and various items being wielded against him.

Eiri relented as he put the frying pan down and cackled evilly. "Well then...I guess you do know something about where that brat went." He had walked over to the collection of tapes Tatsuha stashed at his brothers so his father wouldn't flip out and picked out the debut tape of their first concert, holding it in his hand. He made _sure_ it was not Shuichi's, but then again, Shuichi's handwriting was hard to miss. They all had little things of Ryuichi drawn on the side after the words "Nittle Grasper" and their premiere or concert on it.

He also pulled out his silver zippo lighter and held the flame to the tape, but not too close that the flames would eat it lovingly. "So I suggest you tell me."

"NOOOOO! Bro, don't! You can't be THAT heartless!" Tatsuha was begging while walking on his knees towards his older brother.

"Then tell me." He danced the tape in the air, waving it back and forth over the lighter flame.

"He's with Tohma! NOW GIVE ME IT BACK!"

Eiri threw the tape at him and he heard another knock at the door as he flicked off the zippo lighter. "Goddamn it, now who is it?" He had walked to the door and opened it.

A police officer was standing in front of him and nodded.

"Good day. Is Mr. Uesugi available? We received two phone calls from the neighbors in this building that there were several banging noises and screaming."

Great, just what he needed.

"Oh well, sorry about that," Eiri replied, trying to think of a good way to get out of this situation. Then he looked at Tatsuha and nodded. It might just work. " My brother was throwing things. I apologize for the disturbance and will deal with him appropriately." _Heh, add acting to the list of possible fall-back careers._

"Throwing? You hit me with a beer can!" Tatsuha objected, wide-eyed.

Eiri glared at Tatsuha. "You threw the beer can."

"You HIT me with the beer can, Bro," Tatsuha repeated, rubbing his shoulder.

The police officer looked at him. "Look, I know there's more then one complaint about this residence, Mr. Uesugi. You have a stack of them at the station just waiting to be filed. So what really happened?"

Eiri shrugged. "Like I said. He threw things. I had to take this frying pan away from him."

"He was trying to kill me! That's what he was doing!" Tatsuha screeched while holding his Nittle Grasper video protectively. He would not allow Eiri to get his hands on it again.

"Why would I want to kill you? If I did I'd never hear the end of it from the old fart and the bitch."

Tatsuha just stared, speechless.

"Of course, I gave up that right after I promised them I wouldn't kill you for nearly killing that damn brat with my car," he added sweetly.

The officer was clearly confused.

"Sorry for all the disturbances, Officer, I'll try to keep them down to a minimum, though I rarely get a choice considering the people who drop by against my will." And with those words, Eiri ushered the officer out of his apartment and closed the door.

" . . . What do you mean, you promised you wouldn't kill me?" Tatsuha asked. "Did you really want to kill me at the hospital?"

Eiri turned back at Tatsuha. "Tatsuha. Just because I didn't kill you doesn't mean I'm not severely pissed off at you."

"Yea.. ok.. uhm.. so why did you want to kill me to find out where Shuichi was?"

_That's right! The brat! Shit! Tatsuha said that Tohma had him.._ Maybe that wasn't a dream. Maybe Tohma was morphing his Shuichi into a penguin pimp while he sat here explaining to his younger brother why he let him live. If he was too late to rescue Shuichi from such a horrible fate, he really would kill Tatsuha

"Because I promised then," Eiri replied. The last thing he wanted to do was tell Tatsuha that he was seeing penguins with pimp outfits and Tohma's clothing. "But now . . . I can cause I didn't promise Mika or Tohma shit."

Gulp, that didn't sound promising. Just as Tatsuha was contemplating running away screaming into the night, the front door opened once again to reveal Tohma and Shuichi. Though, Shuichi just happened to be wearing a purple pin-stripped suit. Without a shirt on under the open jacket. With a pimp hat.

"What was it you didn't promise, Eiri-san?" Tohma Seguchi asked as he looked at Tatsuha, who was still cluching his shoulder. Then he glanced to Eiri who was just looking at Shuichi and Tohma horrifically. "What is it Eiri?"

" . . . Goddamnit. God fucking damnit," he muttered, shaking his head and dragged Tatsuha up by his shirt. "You were a distraction! The fucking penguin pimp got to him! And worse, they gave Tohma more pimp clothes!"

"Aniki!" Tatsuha screamed, trying to break free from the psychotic novelist.

"Yuki, what are you doing! Let Tatsuha go!" Shuichi yelled running over to try and stop his lover before he killed the younger Uesugi. Tohma watched on, confused at why the words "pimp" and "penguin" would be used together.

"The penguins have infected you, Shu!" Eiri said, still shaking Tatsuha wildly. "I knew I should have gotten you before they took over!"

"A...ni...ki..." Tatsuha croaked out.

" . . . umm . . . did he see his therapist again, Seguchi-san?" Shuichi asked.

Tohma raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to one side, staring at his brother-in-law in confusion. What on earth was going on? Perhaps he should have a discussion with Eiri's therapist to see just what they were prescribing him.

"Eiri-san, please put Tatsuha-kun down, you're scaring him and just might possibly kill him. And what do you mean by penguins?"

Eiri dropped Tatsuha unceremoniously and glanced over to Tohma. "Like you don't know . . . they make your pimp outfits."

"Aniki . . . you've lost . . . your mind," Tatsuha gasped out, trying to catch some air as he tried to raise from his position.

_But we did get him . . . Join us . . . Join us and become one._

Tohma stared at Eiri oddly, it was painfully obvious to him that Eiri was slowly losing the small bit of sanity he had. The question was, should he blame the therapist, the prescriptions or Shuichi. Decisions, decisions.

"Yuki...? Are you ok?" Shuichi timidly walked to his lover and put a hand on his arm. "You're freaking me out."

Eiri just looked at Shuichi. "Don't you hear them?"

"Hear what, Yuki?" Violet eyes blinked at him in confusion while Shuichi tilted his head cutely. "All I could hear was you yelling at Tatusha. Tohma came by to get him since Mika called saying that he ran away from the shrine again. That's why Tohma came home with me."

Eiri nodded and hugged the boy, a gesture he normally would not do. "Oh. Ok."

Shuichi gasped. Eiri was rarely this affectionate, especially with company. Not that he was complaining. "Yuki?"

"What is it, you damn brat?"

Tatsuha had walked over to Tohma and just shook his head. "What the hell..." he whispered.

"Yes, what indeed," Tohma whispered back.

"What did you mean by "the penguins" got me?" Shuichi asked, confused as he hugged Eiri back for a moment before the other one pushed him away.

Eiri sighed. "Just forget about it." He started heading for the refrigerator, before remembering that he had no more beer...again. "I'm going out," he announced as walked over to the couch and got his jacket, put it on and walked out the door.

_It's offical. My life is a serious comedy show for the entertainment of the masses._ And with that final thought, Eiri "Yuki" Uesugi got in his car and drove off to get himself a new brand of beer and forget that the horrible experience ever happened.

"_Tehehe, we'll be back..."_


End file.
